That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
