U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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