Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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