WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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