Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
