I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
