then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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