she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
