guys are not supposed to queef...right?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
