just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
