yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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