I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
