Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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