sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
