my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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