when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
