I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
And then he peed in my hair
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