If i come over, it means nothing
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
