week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
