Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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