first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
