Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
