i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
