Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
