i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
