The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
