i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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