fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
