She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
