That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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