You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
