I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
