In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think my fart just growled at me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
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in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
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ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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