I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
