the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
