The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
