better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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