just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
The air taste purple.
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