so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
