What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I looked at my own cervix.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
