i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
