Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
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If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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