My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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