I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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