The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
