The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
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Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
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