my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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