we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
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He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
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You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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