I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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