i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
