Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
