It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
