I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
