dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
