i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
