dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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