I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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