I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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