I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
