he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
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You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
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Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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