well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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